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When she stopped being on, stopped doing and simply started being, she allowed herself to be happy just being herself. They just have to strip themselves of their perfect, successful and pleasing facades and instead accept a “Here I am” mentality.
Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor Last week, I discussed why women can't find a "good" man (here).
In a previous article, I put forward the notion that individuals were not "afraid" to date—rather they simply did not have sufficient incentive to do so (see here).
We are all motivated to seek out rewards and avoid punishments (Skinner, 1974).
Essentially, many men report that they find modern dating a primarily punishing affair.
Changing social norms has allowed few avenues by which they can be both acceptable as a relationship partner and attractive as a sex partner.
We worked on how to have conversations of substance, find fun in the exploration of depth, voice her needs and not be afraid to let others down just because she has a different opinion, expectation or idea.
She had to stop being ok with “good enough” and believe she deserved better.
When punishments weight more heavily, people avoid those same behaviors.Overall, men in either case report also having a difficult time finding what they label "attractive" women for longer-term relationships.Men often define these women along evolutionary psychology lines—women who are sexually-selective, faithful, physically attractive, and have a pleasant, respectful disposition (for more on these qualities, see Buss, 2003 and my own articles here and here).Those who fall into the first category have been ingrained with the idea that they must publicly embody perfection at all times. They are interesting, intelligent, successful and strong. Perfect makes others feel like they have nothing to add, so they are not needed. Danielle and I worked on how to be vulnerable without losing her confidence.Men would love to bring this type of woman home to their mothers and show off to their bosses. She needed to learn how to allow a man to see behind the curtain, beyond the facade of “I don’t need you,” and beneath the “I can do it myself” veneer.
In contrast, if they follow more "assertive" biological imperatives, they are labeled "jerks" and "players"—who may get sexual gratification, but not love or respect from what they would consider a "good woman".